Never Let Me Go
by easiertolie
Summary: Spoilers for Cuffed. When Rick needs her, the wall finally comes down.
1. Chapter 1

It was Christmas Eve.

It was Christmas Eve and Kate Beckett wasn't working for the first time in years. Taking both today and tomorrow off was all apart of her attempt to let go. She was ready. At least that's what she kept telling herself.

It had been so long since she _really _celebrated the holiday. She felt antsy. She had made plans with her Dad for the following day. But right now, she was at a loss of what exactly to do with herself. She slept in until almost 9 am, something she also hadn't done in quite awhile. After a run through the frost bitten city she showered and cleaned her apartment.

In an attempt to inject some Christmas cheer into her otherwise undecorated home, she pulled up a Holiday Pandora channel on her iPhone and hooked it up to her speakers.

It was best if her phone wasn't in her hands anyways. She had been itching to call him all day. She knew that Alexis was visiting her mom in California and wouldn't be returning until early Christmas morning. And it had been almost a week since she'd last seen him.

It felt longer.

She moved to the kitchen in an effort to distract herself. Seeing it was nearly 5, she pulled out a bottle of wine and a clean glass. After pouring herself a generous amount of the moderately priced red, Kate let out a heavy sigh and leaned against the counter.

Letting go was more than just _saying_ she's ready. Because, _God_, was she ready. She wanted so badly to fix what was broken inside of her. For herself, of course. But also, for _him. _ A smile found its way to her lips at the thought of him, like it always seemed to these days. She barely even tried to hide it anymore.

Every day she woke up wondering if today would be the day she'd let him in. If there would be a moment where everything finally made sense. Being around him lately was becoming more and more unbearable. Holding back was starting to physically hurt. The thing was, she didn't know what to do about it. She had heard him all those months ago. He told her he loved her and then she ran away. He deserved better. No matter how much that thought made her ache, it was the truth.

He kept proving himself to her over and over again. When she needed space, he backed off. When she needed to laugh, he made her. When they found themselves cuffed together a few weeks back, he didn't ask her what she remembered. They were literally bound together, she wouldn't have been able to run away from him, or really even turn away. Still he said nothing. She was pretty sure he knew. He knew she remembered. The way he looked at her sometimes...

Aside from being scared out of her mind, worried they would never get out of that room alive, she had rather enjoyed the close proximity to him. For a fraction of a second, after she woke up, she got a glimpse of what her life could be like. What it should be like. And for the briefest of moments she let it wash over her and fill her up. Her fantasy was quickly shattered when reality came crashing in and she realized it wasn't a sweet dream, but a twisted nightmare. Tiger and all.

There had also been a few _very_ hot dreams involving herself, him and those cuffs. Dreams that left her gasping for air and aching for him. She had a hard time meeting his eyes for a few days after those. She felt a blush creeping up her neck just at the thought. She smirked into her glass as she took another sip. Someday. Someday she would make that fantasy a reality. Hopefully someday soon.

She was pulled from her thoughts by a loud knock at the door, followed by a booming voice.

"Beckett?"

She opened the door to Castle. She started to smile, but the elation fell from her face as she took in his. His face was skewed in sadness. His eyes red rimmed and blood shot.

"Castle? What's wrong?" She asked as she moved to let him in. When he passed her she could smell the alcohol rolling off of him in waves. "Are you drunk?"

He paced in front of her, looking like a lost little puppy. She reached out, placing a light hand on his forearm to still his movements. He looked at her startled, like he had forgotten where he was.

"Uh, yeah. Maybe a little. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm here," he mumbled and tried to get back to the door.

She blocked him.

"It's not Alexis is it?" The worry in her voice was thick, a lump materialized in her throat just at the thought. He shook his head quickly. "Your mom?" His eyes clouded at the mention of Martha. "What happened Rick?"

That worked. The use of his first name always seemed to get his attention. He took a deep breath and ran his hand over his face.

"We, my mother and I, we were out for breakfast this morning. While we were waiting out front for the car this man walked by and my mother froze next to me. I could feel the tension radiating off her. I just-I just assumed he was some old boyfriend of hers," he paused and half laughed, shaking his head. "She lied to me. I had a feeling she wasn't telling me everything, you know. But she _lied_ to me. My whole life," his voice cracked. Kate closed the small distance separating them, taking his hand. She squeezed it gently in encouragement. His lifted his eyes to hers and her heart broke at the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Castle?" She searched his face. She had a hunch as to what this was about, but she was waiting on him to tell her.

"She knew the whole time," he whispered. "She knew who my dad was."

...

Kate drummed her fingers impatiently on the counter as she waited for the coffee to brew. Castle hadn't said much more. He was now sitting on her couch, starting listlessly at nothing. She wasn't sure what to say to him. She had always assumed it bothered him more than he let on, not knowing who his father was. But he was always so cavalier about it.

And now, here he was, falling apart on her couch.

She poured him a cup and fixed it just how he liked it. She approached him slowly, setting the steaming mug on the table next to the couch. He looked up at her with a small smile as she sank down next to him. She placed a comforting hand on his thigh. He dropped a heavy hand on hers and sighed.

"What happened?" She asked quietly.

"He, he recognized my mother. He asked her how she was doing, you know the usual questions. My mom looked like she had seen a ghost. Her answers were short and kept sneaking glances at me," he said. "He looked like me. Or I guess...I looked like him? I don't know, he had no clue. When he asked my mother who I was I just...walked away." He hung his head, defeated. He leaned back into the couch and she followed. There was no longer any space between them.

She turned her hand over under his and laced their fingers together. She heard his breath catch and wished he wasn't so surprised she cared. She laid her head against his shoulder and felt him relax next to her.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, brushing her thumb across the back of his hand.

"I'm sorry," he returned. She lifted her head so she could see his face, confused by his apology. "I'm sorry I came here. Alexis is gone and I just, I didn't know where else to go."

"Hey," she said pulling on his arm until her turned toward her. "Don't apologize. I'm glad you're here."

"You are?" he asked, surprised.

"Yes," she said with a small smile. "Does Martha know where you are?"

"No," he mumbled, looking ashamed. It had been hours. She could still smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Ok." Without really thinking about it Kate leaned over a kissed his cheek. Then she pushed herself off the couch. "I'll be right back." He nodded absently and picked up where he left off staring at nothing. She stopped just out of his eye line and watched the myriad of emotions play across his face. There was definitely anger there, but mostly, all she saw was hurt. She couldn't help but hate Martha just a little bit for doing this to him.

She called his mother anyway, slipping into her bedroom for some privacy. The woman was clearly just as upset and thanked Kate for letting her know her son was OK.

When Kate reemerged from her bedroom Castle was lying down, stretched across the couch. His eyes were open though. His arms were wrapped tightly around a pillow. She noticed he had thoughtfully kicked off his shoes. Despite the circumstances she thought he looked good there. Like he belonged. She quietly approached him, dropping down to her knees next to his head.

"Hey," she said, brushing his hair from his eyes. "How are you doing?"

He shrugged a shoulder.

"Honestly? I don't want to think about it. It's Christmas Eve...wait don't you have plans tonight?" He asked sitting up. He started to pull his shoes on, looking embarrassed. Kate took the shoe from him and dropped it back to the ground.

"Nope, I don't."

He lifted an eyebrow skeptically.

"I have plans with my Dad tomorrow," she explained. He studied her for a moment, his eyes boring straight through her.

"Care to distract me from my soap opera daddy drama until my daughter gets home?" he asked with a nervous smile.

She paused as if she had to think about it. Make him sweat a little, just out of habit.

"Yeah, I think I can do that," she said with a little tease in her tone. His eyes widened slightly at the flirting.

...

Kate ordered Chinese while Castle settled on a Christmas movie that was playing on TV. She thought about getting him a glass of wine but decided against it, grabbing each of them a bottle of water from the fridge instead. She sat back down next to him, as close as she could get, pulling his arm up and over her shoulders. He threw her a questioning look, but she just shrugged. He told her to distract him.

And it seemed to be working. By the time the food arrived they were wrapped around each other and laughing at Buddy the Elf. Kate untangled herself to get the door but Castle was too quick for her. He's at the door paying the delivery boy before she could even protest.

They ate in comfortable silence, eyes locking every few bites. She could tell he was trying to figure her out, whether her actions today were genuine or out of pity. His insecurity in her was unsettling. There was enough uncertainty in his life at the moment, she didn't want to be the cause of more. Especially when there was no good reason for it anymore.

She took a deep and steadying breath, an attempt to gather any courage she could find within herself. Quietly, she set her plate on the coffee table and wiped her now clammy palms against the thigh of her jeans. Castle had that far off look in his eyes again.

It wasn't the perfect moment. But if life had taught her anything, it was that perfect moments didn't exist. What if the next time they end up handcuffed together as tiger bait they don't make it out? She couldn't leave him with that look on his face. The uncertainty pouring from his eyes was drowning her. She couldn't breathe. So instead she jumped.

She shifted toward him quickly, leaving herself no time to change her mind. With one hand on the back of the couch and the other on his thigh she leaned forward and covered his mouth with hers. He startled, a gasp of air escaping before she sealed her lips to his. She gently worked his mouth, trying desperately to convey all the things she couldn't make herself say out loud. It was an apology and promise rolled into one. When she traced his bottom lip with her tongue his mouth fell open. Without breaking the kiss, Kate deftly took his plate and put it on the table behind her.

HIs hands wound their way up into her hair, carefully cradling her skull. She needed to be closer, there was still too much space between them. She slid easily into his lap, her knees bracing his hips. He groaned at the new contact and broke away panting. She moved to the line of his jaw, nipping and scrapping his stubble. His head fell back to the couch as his hands gripped her waist. Her nimble fingers began to work the buttons of his shirt. She was halfway done before he gently grabbed her wrists.

"Kate. What about the wall?" His voice was deep and rough, but sincere. He was still giving her an out. Still. Even now.

She slowly raised her eyes to his. For the first time, ever, she let him see everything. She didn't hold anything back. She was done running. Done hiding. _I love you_.

The corner of her mouth twitched as she leaned back toward him.

"What wall?"

...

a/n: thoughts? For now it's a one-shot. I may go more into the daddy drama if I can come up with something.


	2. Chapter 2

Kate woke slowly, warm and sated. She reached out, her hand finding cold sheets. Dread flooded her chest, gripping it tightly. The feeling only lasted a moment. When she turned her head, she found Castle sitting on the edge of the mattress. His bare and broad shoulders facing her, the sheet falling modestly across his lower back.

She sighed in relief and scolded herself for even thinking he'd just leave. That sounded more like something she'd do. Past tense.

Still. Why was he so far away? And awake?

She glanced back at the clock on her nightstand, blinking. It was just barely 5 am. She pushed the comforter back and crawled across the bed to him. She settled herself behind him wrapping her arms tightly around his waist, her chin resting against his shoulder.

"Hey," she whispered before dropping a kiss against his shoulder blade.

He squeezed her forearms, then laced their fingers.

"Hey."

"What are you thinking about?" She asked quietly.

"Everything," he sighed. "You," he added turning his head to her. She titled her head, smirking at him.

"Oh yeah?" She teased.

"Yes," he replied, his tone direct. She furrowed her brow and twisted so that she was facing his side, locking her legs around his waist. Then taking his hand in hers, she searched his face.

"What about me?" she asked hesitantly. Not sure if she wanted to know the answer. He glanced at her, nervous. His heart in his eyes, laced with doubt. He was doubting her.

And that hurt. Damnit.

She stubbornly swallowed the lump clogging her throat.

"I-. If you're only doing this," he motioned between them, "to distract me or out of pity, you have to tell me."

She raised her eyebrows at him. Was he serious? Crap. He was.

Well, she couldn't have that. Maybe she should have started with this. She should have started with the words.

"Castle..." she started, but saw him flinch at the use of his surname. God she was horrible at this. "Rick." He finally looked at her. "_This," _she said, copying his hand motion between them, _"_has _nothing _to do with pity. And though I'm glad to distract you, it's not about that either." She leaned in, giving him a long, slow kiss.

_Just say it Kate._

"I'm in love with you."

The shock on his face was immediate. That was clearly not what he was expecting her to say. Awe quickly followed as he stared at her, mouth gaping. She gave him a small smile. After giving him a few seconds to recover, she waited quietly for any response from him. His face was enveloped by a slow grin that stretched his face and crinkled the corners of his eyes.

"I love you too, Kate," he whispered across the short distance separating them. He then cocked his head and added, "but you already knew that."

She winced slightly. Though his tone was light and teasing, there was an underlying hurt lurking below the surface.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to be a little less broken first," she said sheepishly.

"And, are you? Less broken?" he asked softly, his hand rubbing circles on her knee.

"Yeah," she said on a sigh. "I am."

He nodded once and gently squeezed her thigh.

"I'm glad."

Kate wrapped her hand around Rick's neck, pulling his lips to hers. In a move so quick that a small squeak escaped, Castle had her on her back while he hovered above her. She laughed at the pure joy radiating from his face. As she caught her breath her expression sobered. She reached, threading her fingers through his bangs, holding his soft hair off his forehead.

"I love you," she repeated. "And as far as everything else, we'll figure it out."

His eyes softened. She tugged slightly on the hair she was still holding hostage, bringing him down to her. She worked his mouth, pushing her tongue through until it found his. He groaned and settled himself until she cradled him between her thighs.

"What time are you meeting your dad?" He asked when they broke apart for air. She slowly rotated her pelvis against his.

"What? Why are you asking about my _dad_ right now?" She said breathless. He nodded and mumbled an apology against her neck before nipping at her pulse point.

"Say it again," he murmured before catching her mouth. She grinned against his lips.

"I love you."

...

This time, Kate woke surrounded by his arms. A phone was ringing somewhere next to her. She didn't recognize the ringtone. Must be his. He groaned and leaned across her, fumbling through their clothes that were scattered on the floor next to the bed.

"Yeah?" He answered, slightly annoyed, while sitting up. She turned onto her side, propping her head up with her elbow. Castle ran a hand over his face and threw her a soft grin. "Alexis?"

He sat up straight and jerked his head around to the clock.

"Aren't you supposed to be on a plane right now?" Kate watched as worry painted Castle's sleepy face. "You're home?" His voice went up an octave. "She's not there?" His head fell back with quiet thud against her headboard. "Uh..." He glanced down at her, panic swimming in his blue eyes. "Where am I?" He repeated looking to Kate, eyes wide, for some assistance. She nodded and smirked a little. "I'm at Kate's," he said in a rush.

Kate heard a muffled...squeal? as Rick pulled the phone away from his ear.

She let out the breath she'd been holding. Well at least she didn't have to worry about that. After everything that had happened since May, she was more than worried about how Castle's daughter would feel about this. He must have been able to see the relief on her face because he smiled, running a hand down her back.

She dropped her head onto his thigh while he ran his fingers absently up and down her spine. He didn't mention anything to Alexis about what had happened. He probably wanted to do it in person. Or didn't know what to say. Or both.

After a quickly mumbled goodbye, Rick dropped the phone on the bed next to him and exhaled loudly.

"I think I have to deal with this now," he said defeated.

"Yeah, probably. So, Alexis is home?" She asked, turning onto her back so she could look up at him.

"Yeah, she took an earlier flight to surprise us. Came home to an empty apartment," he replied with no small amount of shame. A wave of guilt washed over her as well, for taking him away. Although nothing, _nothing_ could ever make her regret last night...this morning. Nothing.

"Where's Martha?"

"I don't know, not home," he was trying to sound like he didn't care. But he did. Of course he did. He didn't know how not to care. She grabbed his hand from where it rested on her stomach and placed a kiss in the center of his palm.

"I'm sure she's fine, Rick," Kate assured him. He brushed a thumb across her cheek and forced a tired smile onto his face.

"Thank you," he said sincerely. "I don't know what I would have done if you-just thanks."

Her chest tightened painfully. Whatever distraction she had provided these last twelve hours was starting to wear off. It was Christmas and his whole world had just shattered. Everything he thought he knew...wasn't.

Wait. It was Christmas.

She sat up slowly, keeping close to his warmth and burrowing into his side. She pressed an open mouth to the underside of his jaw.

"Merry Christmas," she whispered. She felt him smile as she pressed her forehead into his cheek.

"Merry Christmas Kate."

...

a/n: thoughts?

So clearly I've decided to continue this. Thanks for reading and reviewing. You guys are great. :)


	3. Chapter 3

Kate Beckett wasn't sure how she got here.

On Christmas Day. Cooking breakfast with her partner's daughter.

As they showered and got dressed he kept finding excuses to stay. Just a little bit longer. So she wasn't surprised when Castle asked her to come home with him. She'd been expecting it actually. And she knew that if it weren't for the sudden appearance of his father, he wouldn't have asked. She was almost certain of that.

She didn't have to be at her dad's until 5, so she really had no reason not to follow him home. Support him like he had always supported her.

When they got to his loft, they found Alexis and his mother in the kitchen. Apparently, she'd stayed the night at her acting school to give him space. From the look on Alexis' face, Martha had told her, at least some of what was going on.

Rick pulled his daughter into a long hug. It had been over a week since they'd last seen each other.

"Merry Christmas, Pumpkin."

"Merry Christmas, Dad." She returned with a tentative smile. She then turned to Kate. "Merry Christmas, Detective Beckett."

"_Please _call me Kate, and Merry Christmas," Kate said edging around the island, looking nervously between Martha and Rick. The woman hadn't taken her eyes off of Castle since they walked in.

Martha looked awful. It looked like she hardly got any sleep and had been crying for hours. Even though it was hard to admit, a small part of Kate felt sorry for the woman. There was no doubt that Martha Rodgers loved her son. Kate had seen plenty of proof of that these past three years. She must have had her reasons for lying about Castle's father all these years.

"Richard..."

Martha looked on the verge of tears as Castle sighed and gestured toward his study. He found Kate's eyes before shutting the door behind them. His mouth twisted in a poor attempt at a smile.

That was almost an hour ago.

At first she and Alexis sat in awkward silence. She wasn't sure what the girl knew or how much she should tell her.

Thankfully Alexis didn't put her in that position. After a few painfully quiet minutes Alexis asked if she'd like to help make the traditional Castle Christmas breakfast. Kate was grateful for the distraction cooking provided them.

"So, what else do you guys usually do for Christmas?" Kate asked as she flipped the sizzling strips of bacon.

"_Usually,_" Alexis replied with a sad smile, "after breakfast we open presents and then watch Christmas movies all day in our PJs. And then my dad makes a big dinner."

"Sounds nice," Kate said softly, memories of her childhood holidays flooding her. "Sorry to crash it."

"What?" Alexis said, her eyes jerking to meet Kate's. "You're not crashing. _Thank_ _you_, for taking care of him. From how upset Grams was, I can't even imagine..." she trailed off, looking toward Castle's study. "Is he OK?" she asked suddenly, turning back to Kate.

"I think so. Or he will be. We didn't talk much," she said. Alexis choked on the juice she was attempting to swallow. Kate played back what she said and rushed to add, "about it. We didn't talk much about it. He didn't want to. So we just watched a movie instead." Her cheeks were hot with embarrassment. She snuck a glance at the teenager who was smirking at her. Looking too much like her father.

Damn._ Where the hell is-_

The door to Castle's study mercifully opened, producing a much better looking Martha. Her eyes were still red and puffy, but a worn smile hung on her face. She glided, graceful as ever, in the kitchen. Kate was still watching for Castle. Before she realized it her feet were carrying her toward him.

She could hear Martha whispering with Alexis behind her. Both women sounded almost giddy at the new development in her and Castle's relationship. She shook her head and tried to bite back a smile. This was really happening. She was in a _relationship_ with Richard Castle. Wow.

...

Kate found him leaning against his desk, with his back to her. She approached him slowly, lightly placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey."

He jumped slightly, something falling from his hands, floating to the ground. She bent down swiping it from the floor. It was a business card. She turned it over in her hands, carefully reading the text.

Alexander Bishop. Freelance Writer.

Oh.

"This is..." she started to ask, not sure how to phrase it. He looked at her and plucked the card from her, studying it.

"Daddy dearest," he said, sarcasm dripping from the words. Kate sat next to him, dropping a hand to his thigh, her head to his shoulder. Martha had named him after his father.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, he answered immediately with a shrug. "So, he's a writer."

"An investigative journalist," he said with a nod. Her eyes widened, her throat closed up. She wanted to say something...anything. "I know," he said, reading her thoughts. What are the odds?

"Wow," she breathed, resting her chin on his shoulder, eyes sweeping over his knotted brow. "What did your mom say?" she asked, squeezing his arm.

"Uh, she apologized, a lot. I feel bad. I shouldn't have just walked away like that," he shook his head, dislodging a tear that had been resting in the corner of his eye. He took a shaky breath and wiped it away with the back of his hand. Her chest tightened in response. " Thank you for calling her," he said with some semblance of a smile.

"Of course," she replied, playfully bumping his shoulder. She waited for him to continue, not wanting to rush him, even if breakfast was probably getting cold.

"He knew about me and left," he finally said so quietly she almost missed it. "We didn't fit his lifestyle I guess," he added.

"Oh, Rick," she breathed. Her heart aching for him. "How come your mom never told you," she asked softly.

"Because she was in love with him and he broke her heart...I guess she didn't want him breaking mine too."

A lump rose in her throat. She pushed off the desk and nudged apart his legs so she could stand between them. He looked up at her sudden relocation only to find himself engulfed by her arms. She squeezed his shoulders tightly. He shuddered against her, wrapping his arms securely around her waist.

"I wish I didn't know, it was better when I didn't know," he said, nearly choking on the words. She rubbed a hand up and down his back, trying her best to comfort. If only she could find some words, any words that could help him. She sighed and turned her head pressing her mouth against his jaw.

"I'm sorry," she whispered against his ear. He relaxed against her, his hands squeezing her hips.

"Thanks for coming over," he said as his lips brushed across her cheekbone and settled on the corner of her mouth. "I love that I can do that now."

"Oh, yeah?" she huffed with a laugh.

"Yeah," he sighed, long and girly.

"You up for some Christmas breakfast? Alexis and I slaved away while you hashed out your.. what was it?- soap opera daddy drama?" she asked teasing.

He was looking at her with a strange expression.

"You cooked Christmas breakfast, with Alexis?" he asked.

"Yeah. Is that OK?" she asked perplexed. He was the one who invited her over.

"That," he kissed her quick and dirty, "is _so _OK." He grabbed her hips pushing her back until he could stand. He stole another quick kiss, then laced his fingers with hers, pulling her with him.

They found Martha and Alexis carrying the last of the food to the dining room table. Both paused and watched as they approached. Castle dropped her hand to give his daughter a hug, whispering something that made her smile.

Kate found herself wrapped up in Martha's arms, in a tight embrace. When the older woman pulled away she held onto Kate's hand.

"Thank you, Kate. For taking care of him," Martha said, her eyes shining. Kate smiled softly at her.

"Anytime."

She went to sit, but Martha's hold on her tightened.

"Also," she gestured between Kate and Rick, "On behalf of...well everyone, I must say, _finally."_

A laugh escaped from Kate as Castle grinned and winked at her.

Yeah. Finally.

...

a/n: thoughts?

It's not done yet. He's not over it yet. There will be a chapter or two more, I think.

Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. You're the best.


	4. Chapter 4

Kate was amazed at Rick's ability to compartmentalize.

She knew he was doing it for Alexis' sake. Still, every so often his face would fall. It was always when Alexis' attention was otherwise engaged. He never cracked in front of the teenager. Not once.

They laughed, keeping to safe subjects. Kate told a slew of funny stories about Castle at the precinct.

Every time she stole a quick look in his direction he was smiling back at her, soft and tender. Love radiating from every inch of him. She felt a pang of regret at how _much_ he must have been holding back. And for so long.

She reached for his hand under the table, giving his fingers a quick squeeze before tangling them with hers.

Since she and Alexis had cooked, they were both banned from doing dishes.

Alexis took the time to go unpack and change. Pajamas were apparently mandatory for their Christmas day movie marathon.

Castle pointed Kate in the direction of his bedroom and told her where she could find some sweats and a t-shirt. She tried to dismiss him, tell him it was unnecessary, but he was persistent. She finally gave in and stalked off, unsurprised when she turned back and found a victorious smirk adorned his face.

Although she was less than comfortable, it was nice to get a peek at his room alone. She quietly moved about the space, taking in the warm but masculine surroundings. His dresser was tucked into the back corner of his _huge _walk in closet.

She ran a hand over his neatly hung button downs, each perfectly pressed. Seriously, he was such a girl. She shook her heading, smiling, breathing in his almost overwhelming scent.

She found sweat pants in the bottom drawer, just as he promised. She pulled a baggie, soft pair from the top and took an equally oversized t-shirt from the next drawer up.

She quickly shed her jeans and sweater, folding and setting them next to a photo of Castle and a much younger Alexis.

It was ridiculous that she'd agreed to this. She could only stay for a few more hours before she had to leave for her dad's. Yet here she was, putting on his clothes to watch a movie with his family.

As she went to pull the sweats on she caught herself thinking how nice her shoes would look along the dark shelves. She shook the thought as quickly as it came, silently scolding herself for even going there.

_It's been one damn night_.

She didn't hear him approach. The soft cotton was half way up her thighs when his arms surrounded her.

She laughed as his lips found her bare shoulder, the sweats falling and pooling at her feet.

"Aren't you supposed to be doing dishes right now?" she asked.

"My mother relieved me of my duties so I could..." He pulled her hair out of his way, working his mouth along the column of her neck. "...change into my PJs," he whispered against her ears. "Want to help me?"

She grinned and turned in his arms, stepping easily from the pants and slanting her mouth against his. He lifted her, sliding her back until she sat atop his dresser. Her legs wrapped around him, ankles hooking, pulling him close.

"Is that a yes?" He teased. She worked his belt loose, yanking it free as she caught his mouth again. As her fingers moved to his zipper he broke away gasping. She raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"What do you think?"

...

The afternoon flew by.

Kate watched, smiling, as both Castle and Alexis tore into their present with gusto. A beautifully decorated Christmas tree was a lit in the corner. The lights of the tree played across her partner's face as he tore into the packages.

Castle made heaping bowls of popcorn and then settled between Kate and Alexis on the couch. Martha was curled up in an arm chair, wrapped in a blanket. Christmas classics played back to back on the large flat screen television.

Kate was having a hard time paying attention. Castle was warm against her side, his arm draped around her shoulders. Every so often he would drop a kiss to her hair.

She was wearing his clothes, on his couch, and spending Christmas day with his family like it was something she did every year. And surprisingly, she was OK with that. She not only felt less broken, but nearly whole again.

It felt as if a giant boulder had been lifted from her chest, finally getting something that she wanted so badly. For _so_ long. If she had to give it name she'd say she felt happy. Genuinely happy, for the first time since before her mom died.

She let out a long sigh, snuggling further into Castle's side and catching his attention. He looked down at her with awe, like he still couldn't believe this was happening.

"Will you come back over later? After your dad's?" He murmured, looking at her expectantly. Almost desperately. She studied him a moment before nodding. Where else would she go? He still looked like he was about to crack any minute. But instead he grinned and leaned down, capturing her lips chastely.

Half way through _White Christmas _she had to leave. She leveled a look at Castle when he tried to follow her into his bedroom. If she let him come "help her" change, she would be more than late to her dad's. Though, she could always blame the roads. It was snowing this morning, right?

Kate shook her head, trying to dislodge the heat that just griped her.

Later.

He walked her to the door after she thanked Martha and Alexis for allowing her to join them. They both smiled warmly at her, their own thanks shining through.

He helped her into her coat, griping the lapels tightly. He didn't want her to leave. It was all over his face. She placed her hands over his, her thumbs trailing from knuckles to wrist and back.

"I'll be back. Probably around 10...is that OK?"

He nodded eagerly. The corner of her mouth twitched as he pulled her flush against him, kissing her soundly.

It took her the trip to her dad's place to wipe the stupid grin off her face.

...

It was after 11 by the time Kate parked her car outside his loft. She hadn't let her dad's until almost 10:30 and ran home real quick to pack a bag. She texted Castle as the door man, smiled and nodded her through. As the elevator arrived her phone buzzed in her hand.

_Door's open._

She wasn't sure what she was expecting to find. Maybe another movie playing. Alexis, Martha and Castle just how she left them. But all she saw was Castle, alone, staring in the fire place. Seemingly hypnotized by the dancing orange flames. She quickly stepped out of her shoes, dropping the bag with a light thud next to them and locking the door behind her.

He was back in his gray sweats and white v-neck t-shirt. Or maybe he never changed out of them. His hands were busy turning and twisting Alexander Bishop's business card.

The rest of the loft was quiet. Everyone else seemed to be asleep already.

She sidled up to him, bumping his hip. He turned his weary face toward her.

"Hey," he breathed.

"Hi," she whispered back, suddenly feeling shy. "How are you?"

He shrugged, running a thumb over the letter-pressed name of his father.

"You know, when I told my mother I was naming my alter-ego Rook, she was against it. She'd never had an opinion about any of my characters before. But she _really_ didn't want me naming him Rook..." he paused, casting her a sideways glance. "...You know why I named him that right?"

She bit back a smile and nodded.

"Rook and Castle are interchangeable names for the same chess piece," she stated quietly. A ghost of a smile washed over his face.

"How long it take you to figure that one out?"

"Three pages," she teased. He nodded, smiling.

"I just assumed she thought it'd drive you away..."

Kate quirked an eyebrow at him.

"My mother is a big fan of yours," he said softly. Then with a quick gesture between them, added, "and this."

She dropped her chin, feeling her face flush.

"A Bishop _and_ an investigative reporter. Seriously, what are the odds. I can't even..." He ran a hand down the length of his face then back up and through his hair.

"I know, it's crazy," she sighed shaking her head and sliding an arm around his waist. "What are you going to do?"

He looked at the card in his hand for a long moment, turning it over a few more times. Almost as if he hoped it would read something else if he flipped it enough.

He turned toward her, without severing their physical connection. He crushed the card in his fist and then, without looking, threw it into the flames. Her eyes widened, following the crumpled ball as it disappeared into the fire, turning to ash.

Her head jerked back to him, the question all over her face.

"If he didn't want me, I don't want him. I have everything I need, _everyone_ I need," he said, lifting a shoulder. She narrowed her eyes, not believing him.

Richard Castle didn't let anything go. He poked and prodded and needed to understand _everything._

"I don't want to know, Kate," he explained softly. She looked at him for a long moment, studied the way his face seemed to have lost all the tension that had been residing there since he showed up at her apartment last night. Watched as a boyish grin graced his handsome face, his arms wrapping around her waist, pulling their hips flush.

He dipped his head down, meet her lips. She lost herself in his kiss, the warm cave of his mouth, for a few quiet moments.

"Are you sure you're alright, Castle?"

"Alright? No. Not at all. But I will be. I'll write it all out tomorrow," he said.

"And that helps?" She asked. He began swaying to a song she couldn't hear.

"Yes. It does. Always has," he mumbled against her temple. "It also might help if Rook sticks to only writing romance novels from now on." She laughed and pushed up on to her toes, finding his mouth again. "That helps too," he sighed as she dropped back on her heels.

"I bet it does," she chuckled into his chest, breathing him in. She tightened her arms around him, a lump rising in her throat. The relief she felt at finally just giving into this was overwhelming. "I love you."

"Love you too" he murmured, smiling against her hair. "And, Merry Christmas Kate."

...

a/n: thoughts?

This is the end of this one. I have an idea for a sequel with more of Castle's dad, but I wanted to keep this one about Castle and Beckett. Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing. You're all fantastic.


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